בדיחות באנגלית

 

 

 

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.
"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three white men were captured by a bunch of Indians. They were taken to the Indian's tribe and forced to wait for the chief. A day later the chief came in the tee-pee and said, "We are going to kill you, but I'll give you a choice. You can either kill yourself, make it short and quick, or we can kill you but it's a long process and very painful. No matter what you do, we're going to use your skins to make canoes. What is your decision?"
The first man said, "I'll kill myself, give me a gun." So the Indians gave him a gun and the first whiteman shot himself in the head and died.
The second man said, "I'll kill myself, give me a knife." So the Indians gave him a knife and the second whiteman stabbed himself in the heart and died.
The third man said, "I'll kill myself, give me a fork." The chief looked confused and asked, "Are you sure? A knife or gun would be quicker." The man said no and told the chief to just give him the fork. Once the fork was in his hands he started stabbing himself repeatedly, saying over and over again, "You ain't making no canoe out'a me!!!"

 

 

 

My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck,
you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test,
you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...
Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMO(U)R...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."

And my all time favorite thing: JUSTICE
"One day you will have kids,
and I hope they turn out just like YOU.
Then you'll see what it's like...!!"

 

 

 

 

 

My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots
as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning
and finally had gotten her boots.

"Tina," I commented, "I see you got new boots! Where did you
get them?"

"At the store," she answered.

"Which one?" I asked.

She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said,
"Both of them!"

 

 

 

 

 

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me
$500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he
owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the
proof we need to nail him."

 

 

 

A man started to snore in his seat at the opera.
"Please stop your snoring," the usher pleaded. "You are
disturbing the others..."

"Look, buddy," the man said angrily, "I paid for this
seat and I'll do whatever I want!"

"Yes, sir," replied the usher.
"But please be considerate...you are keeping everybody awake!"

 

 

 

 

Friend: "Why are you so upset?"

Man: "My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning."

Friend: "So what?"

Man: "So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband.
You know, *one* of the men I've been telling you about'..."

 

 

 

 

Please...Just a kiss!

At the end of their first date, a guy takes the girl home. Emboldened by
the night, the guy decides to try for the first kiss. With an air of
confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says
to her: "Darling, how 'bout a good night kiss?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister
shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be,
he'll come down himself and do it. But for God sake tell him to take his
hand off the intercom...."

 

 

 

 

 

Was it as good for you???????

There was a woman and man having sex, well the man asked the woman, honey
was it as good for you as it was for me, because I seen your toes curling
up.....



She said, Babe it would have been alot better if you had tooken off my
pantyhose.....